Friday, 8 March 2013



Stop blaming me, the mother, for my children's disabilities ..seriously! If I hear it again I'm gonna lose the plot! I've already written about it HERE (I blame the mother) and HERE (I still blame the mother) but once again these shit hole explanations come back to pound me! Every bloody time the bomb of guilt explodes, I scramble to my feet to be blown onto my ass again. I can't cope with this relentless mommy bashing.

Yesterday I was greeted by someone who produced a newspaper article detailing how stress in mothers to be can pass through the placenta to their unborn child and CAUSE autism. Everybody knows how ill I was during both my pregnancy's with stress, pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes and post natal illness (which I had during my pregnancy with Jesse). So its no surprise to anyone that I went through an enormous amount of hatred towards myself, pure hatred, when I started to research the causes of autism and discovered that according to most theories it all comes back to be the mothers fault!

Here's a news flash for powerful as us mommy bears are we can not control f*cking nature! We can not control genetics! We can not control the placenta flow to our babies! We can not control mental health! We can not predict the reaction of a baby towards a vaccine! We can not prevent the extra chromosome given to a child with downs syndrome! We can not stop brain damage at birth, cerebral palsy or epilepsy! We can not stop this happening to our children and guess what? Neither can you!

It makes not one jot of difference to me what the hell caused my children's autism. As this person said yesterday whilst they enlightened me.."its too late for your two" so whats the fecking point in telling me?! What is the point in tormenting mothers daily with these ass wipe scenarios of this caused it, that caused it, you caused it!! All you are serving to do is pull down the strength of the person who is caring for these children. Destroying them with what is essentially LIES! None of this is proven and even if it were the neurological nature of the disorder suggests that there is bugger all you can do to change the situation?

So what if I had known that my stress was passing to my baby? I'd have put my feet up, I'd have lounged around and done sod all of 9 months but it wouldn't have prevented me getting pre eclampsia, gestational diabetes or post natal illness? These are not preventable things. I have no control over them. Are you going to blame mothers for giving their children an extra chromosome? Or creating imperfect DNA? You're going to chastise them for their child's epilepsy? Like hell you are!

Then stop coming to me with this bullsh*t! Refrigerator mother syndrome, my arse! Across the country, across the world are children who everyday get abused by their mothers, neglected, starved, beaten. That's not what I'm doing! Everyday I devote my life to getting the absolute best for my children. I love them so fiercely it hurts. My life is completely different now to what it should have been. I've sacrificed my world for them. I've made choices that would affected me until I die. I've given every morsel of time, energy and motivation to their lives and I would die for these kids before anything happens to them. And I will rip your innards out if you say anything different! 

IF and I mean a big IF what happened to my children was anything to do with me, I live with that knowledge until I shuffle off this world. But I also live with the knowledge that there was nothing I could do to change that. I'm not a coke snorting, fag dragging, whiskey swigging whore. I didn't do anything that damaged my children deliberately. I didn't knowingly put them at risk and I didn't neglect my parental responsibilities .. Christ I didn't even eat brie for 9 months! 

If they prove, beyond all reasonable doubt that it had anything whats so ever to do with me, my mental health or my pregnancies then I will know beyond all reasonable doubt that there was nothing on earth I could have done any differently that would have produced a different outcome.

So other than trying to demoralize and destroy every mother on the planet with a special needs child why don't they stop? Why don't all the friends, families and professionals of mothers with special needs children just stop? Stop with the guilt stories and the useless information. I think I speak for every mother when I say we don't need to hear it.

If you make a breakthrough, you can prevent a disability or cure it, then come to me but otherwise keep your opinions to yourself. You may have all good intentions. You may not realise how offensive your words are or how upset I will be if you say them. You may merely have been interested by the information you have and want to pass that on incase its useful but I ask you..just before you open your mouth to speak, stop and think for one second..."If it was me, would I want to hear this?" 

Chances are NO you wouldn't and neither do I.


Shanell Mouland said...

You said it! I despise it when someone emails me a link to a new potential cause. It always leads back to something I did or didn't do while pregnant. I have a half written post on all the things I may have done to cause Kate's autism. The latest article told me I didn't take enough folic acid at the right time. The next one will probably tell me I didn't twirl three times on every Tuesday of second trimester. Cripes! Thanks for the post.

mama said...

its all so GRRR!!

Donna Forrest said...

I hear you mama! Great post and thank you for saying what I've been shouting inwardly to myself for years, scared I would upset anyone should I dare speak up and defend myself and special needs family. xx

Chris Connor said...

I hate how it feels if you complain you are weak, if you ask for help you are whining, if you try and help yourself you are being greedy or you are restricted by rules and regulations that no one seems to be able to explain why they are there. It seems to be a losing battle at every turn.

Sarah said...

PEACE... breathe... PEACE People always need to have someone to blame as long as it isn't them. I hope you can move away from those who are toxic and be with those who are healthy influences on your life. I lived for a long time in the land of blaming guilt! I had many untrasounds lived basically on a highway (my kitchen window faced a very busy highway) I was overweight (morbidly obese) James was an infertility baby and I took mega doses of clomid to have him,8599,1990567,00.html I am soooooooo glad I have this amazing little man in my life, he is completely worth all of my worry but the guilt, the jury is still out.

Gajemae said...

A while ago I got an email from a familymember, without a written explanation, with an article about how a mother with obesity can cause autism within a child. I have obesity since I was 6 y/o, so the ones who blame me I can blame back ;) But I wont! ;) I'm healthy though, even could deliver at home, but yeah; I'm not a thin skinny woman. I'm very consious, I was very consious due to pregnancy, with food, feelings and other stuff, very loving, my daughter was/is so welcome! She's one of the angels in this world a lot of people can learn from; I cannot see this as an disorder, but she needs guidance with keeping standing herself between all those other people who cannot relate to empathic and nonverbal communication and are more materialistic and ego and less about accepting and loving and together.

Anonymous said...

Let them walk in our shoes and i bet they would say half the things then lol xx

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