When it finally came I didn't expect it to be my 4 year old son who delivered the blow. He proper lamped me. The sound reverberated round the room as his palm met my cheek when I tried to dress him. It couldn't have landed more perfectly to produce the biggest pain response. I expected when that moment came I would scream out, lash out but I didn't.
I was stunned. Stunned into silence. I looked him in the eye and evaluated what had just happened. I looked him deep in the eye to see where my beautiful little boy was in that moment. He stared at me back, like he too was in shock. He didn't understand what he'd just done and you could see the confusion in his eyes. You could also see the realisation that he did that and I stopped doing what he was objecting to. I quietly told him he had hurt mommy and that wasn't nice. Mommy loved him so please don't hurt mommy again. I then carried on trying to dress him and he relapsed into screaming and grunting again.
As we drove him to school..with him screaming the whole time I thought about what had happened. Does this mean he will be violent in the future? Does this mean he will get worse? Surely he would have been far more aggressive in the past? Does this mean he's going to be a school refuser? How much will he hurt me? What's going to happen when he's 15? I know I shouldn't scrape through the whys and wherefores of the situation but you can't help it....
I said to hubby as we drove away "how does it make you feel?" I looked over and he was covered in scratches. He replied, "I wonder what it's going to be like when he's 15..I try not to think about the
future because I think I'm going to be a carer instead of a dad."
It's so so sad to see your little baby boy lose it so badly but to be the brunt of his frustration in such a violent out burst. Only now, 2hours later has my cheek stopped throbbing but my thoughts are still racing. Is what lee says true? Will we still be parents in the future or will our life start to be about defending ourselves and fighting to get Cody to conform? I don't want my baby to be like this. I don't want to be hurt by my children. You know they can't help it but nobody would want to be hurt by the hand they love. Nobody would want to feel pain inflicted on them by a child they bought into the world to cherish and care for.
I know other parents get it far worse and I know that muggle mommies get walloped too but it's the feeling that life will continue to involve slaps, kicks and scratches that hurts more than my cheek.
I wanted to add to this before I publish it. Its the following day now...this morning I got slapped again and so did lee and tonight we've had more meltdowns and mugs thrown down the stairs to be smashed. No one tells you what to do? No one can make a sturdy suggestion..ignore it, don't ignore it, hit back, don't hit back, tell him off, don't tell him off...we're hopeless and helpless to stop what's inevitably going to happen. But as we blocked him into our room to stop the smashing of mugs he finally dropped to the floor in despair. He was drained. He was confused and he was frightened of what was happening to him. He can't tell us what's going on in that tiny required brain of his but whatever it is he doesn't want it to happen either and I think.."what if he's trapped in there?"
What if somewhere in that happy detached world of his something has connected and behind the autism is a little boy screaming to get out? What if that's what's happening? As he finally crawled up from the floor into his daddy's arms he looked bewildered and scared. I can't bare the idea that my boy, my muggle son is caught in a cage of autism and I don't have the keys...I'd rather think he had no awareness at all than be terrified of himself.
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