Tuesday, 1 January 2013

the dirty word!

im soooo tired of the overuse of the dirty "P" word...positive thinking!

why don't you just shove it?! its not always possible to be positive. you can not just change your general demeanor and personality over night. you can not subside those niggling thoughts.

when did not being chipper about life become negativity? when did being realistic, being fearful, being speculative or over thinking become bad karma? when did i get inducted into to "dark side"?

im not a bad person. im not necessarily a negative person but i do, i'll admit, have a job seeing the positive in everything? but apparently you're not allow to be a realist. you're either negative or positive, there is no fence in between.

but here's something you didn't know.

i laugh. alot. with my kids. because of my kids.
i get angry. alot. at other people. at myself.
im proud. alot. of my kids. of myself. of others.
i get disappointted. alot. at myself. at others. yes, even at my kids.
i live in fear. alot. with my thoughts. with the situation. with the future.
im happy. alot. with my kids. around my kids. with my husband. 
im sad. alot. at my kids. around my kids. around my husband.
im confused. alot. by my kids. by myself. by other people. 
im jealous. alot. at other people mostly.
im inspired. alot. by my kids. by other people. by myself.

so how can one person who lives such a challenging life on a day to day basis be continually happy and positive. everything's coming up roses. because i got news for you...its doesn't. sometimes, to aptly quote Forrest Gump.."shit happens" but you deal with it. i wanna be open to everything. the hardest thing for me is letting go of each and every emotion and moving on.

i defy anyone to tell me, especially a special needs parent that you always see the good in everything. its impossible to find reason behind a 3 hour seizure or to see the positive when you're taking a beating. or not to be affected by that 17th stare at the supermarket. we judge our lives by others suffering too..."well it could be worse" but that's a ridiculous philosophy to have because its all relative. how do you know that the person on the not so green grass doesn't think your lawn looks worse?

ive found that i have to deal with every emotion, in turn. and own them. when you can accept that your emotions are controlled by you, no one else then you can stop worrying about if you are positive or negative. no one else makes you angry, you make you angry! you control the emotion called anger that lives inside of you and you turn it on and equally you turn it off. that's not to say you cant be angry at all though, that's the difference. that's where i think positivity falls down.

am i angry my kids are autistic? yes. am i STILL angry my kids are autistic? no. am i sad at the fact that my children will not have the life i thought they would? yes. am i STILL sad? no. 

your emotions ebb and flow like the waves. sometimes tiny ripples across a pond that barely impact your day followed by giant tidal waves that wipe out your very core. its ok to feel all these things, happy and sad and not feel like a failure. as long as you learn to let it go afterwards. as long as you control the off switch.

the most important thing ive been told recently is to live NOW. take every single second and not concern yourself with the past or the future. i trying to take that further to my own life to feel every emotion NOW. not get caught up in sadness that hasn't happened yet, or joy at something that may not occur. in doing so ive missed the NOW. 

NOW my kids are deeply and quietly asleep. in 3 hours time they maybe awake like they were yesterday and remain awake until 5am like the night before. but if i fill myself NOW with thoughts of how bad that's gonna be or even embrace the positive of "its alright, you'll cope, you warrior mother you" then im gonna spend the next 3 hours filling my head with emotions and missing the fact that right NOW, this very minute ive just written another shit hot blog!!!


Cedar said...

Just accepted your add on instagram and immediately came to your blog. THIS IS THE BEST!!! I am so sick of "stay positive" I want to punch something!! Thanks for connecting with me!! I'm going to read your other blogs.

mama said...

Great to have you here! Thanks for taking the time to read, I really appreciate it...if that doesn't sound too positive!?

Just me, Leah said...

From me to you, being in a totally different situation but still knowing pain and 'negative' feelings, a hug. xx

Anonymous said...

Hi, I've been reading your whole blog with interest as I am more and more convinced that my baby girl is autistic. You are so honest and it's great that you acknowledge all of your feelings. You sound like a great mum to your little pair of characters. I know what it is like to try and try and interact but be treated by my child as though I am invisible and inaudible. It's especially lonely as so far I am the only person who truly thinks that something is not right. I am also in the West Midlands!

mama said...

hi just found this comment...stick to the process and press for answers. others will doubt you but a gut instinct tells you all you need to know! you know your child better than anyone!
it is lonely so reach out to support networks if you can just to get some answers and leave me a comment if you want any advice x

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